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Grace and Words:

I don’t know why I say the things I say sometimes. It is as though I need to have words spill out of my mouth in order for the thoughts to solidify in my brain. Sometimes the things I say are hurtful and should have never been thought, let alone said. I think that this is one of my biggest struggles as a person. I need to really think about propriety and others before word-vomiting.

I say things that will hurt people I love. I say things that make absolutely no sense. I say things I do not, and would not ever mean to say. These thoughts are passing through. They should not be alive. They sho8uld not be spoken, but then, they are.

The words offer no grace. I would be offended if grace was not offered to me. I would not enjoy the treatment I sometimes give to others. I know that I those around me need grace just as much as I do. Grace is important to us, because without it where would we be? I would e dead (if not literally, than at least from sin).

There is a person in my life that I offer almost no grace to. I do not give this person the time of day, unless it is convenient for me. I cannot rationalize this accept by saying that I do not typically enjoy this person’s company. I wish I did enjoy it. I wish grace for them came naturally to me. I wish that wishes came true!

Self Disclosure:

How much do I know about you? How much do you know about me? What is it that you will never tell anyone? What is it that I will never tell you? There are things about me that only a handful of the closest people to me know. However, I never would have told one of those people this story, had it not been for proximity. I am not as close to one of those “in the know” as I am to the others. Two of those who know, I would consider my closest of friends.

It is a commonly accepted interpersonal communications factoid that people who you disclose to , you are closest to. The more you know about someone the more you tell, the closer you become. I am not so sure this is always true….

I disclose the most to those I am closest to. Makes sense…right? I am not so sure. Are there some things about me that I will not tell my closest of close friends? Yes. Probably. Why is that?

Fear of judgment? Fear of disclosing too much and ending the friendship? Fear of lessening trust? What?

On the other hand, some of the things I hold back are historical. They do not affect my life anymore. They do not have control over me. They may have at one time, but they do not now. Why am I afraid of those things?

Hmmmmmm……..

How can we describe the mind?

The thought processes we go through are intertwined and messy. My brain does not flow in a logical order. I go from one inkling of thought to a semi-related-but-really-rather-different topic in much less time than I can measure. How is this possible to describe. In the time it takes me to form the thoughts I am conveying to you through virtual paper, I am thinking of hundreds of other things: writing down my alphabet at the kitchen table, getting an English award, my brother getting an award that same year, at the same event, the pride of my family, my little sister, rap music, listening to 80’s rock with my father, Glee, my friend Kendra, the Fab Four, forensics, and so much more.

My mind goes from idea to idea without a breath in between, without putting the pencil down, or stretching the muscles in my wrists. My mind doesn’t require anymore of a break than sleeping, and even then I know my mind races. My friends tell me that I never stop thinking; even then because they hear my dreams played out in speech, or see them in my restless sleep walking.

My mind comprehends so much all at once. It wants me to communicate an abundance of material in such a short amount of time. The words tumble out of my mouth and land in an incoherent pile on the floor. Or, they tangle up and decide to stay safely in my mind, where they have a chance of rearranging themselves into an understandable array of sounds and syllabus.

My mind is not even complex as most. Not even by half. Others can memorize pages from books and scenes from their lives in perfect detail. They can relay those messages to the outside world without a slop, hiccup-p or umm. Those minds put mine to shame. They show me that in the scheme of life, in the world, my mind is humble, lowly. I am not stupid, but I am not great. There are some who can look at an equation and spout out an answer before I have even decided what formula I am supposed to use. Where does my mind land in comparison to those?

On another note:
What is the difference between our mind and soul and brain? How can we distinguish one from the next? Should we even try? God made us all with all of these things. I bet he knows what the differences are….